Untitled 4.20.21

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This is not joy. This is relief.

Mixed with, yes, still anger. And an aftertaste of grief.

How many times have too many fathers, kids, and wives

prayed that this cup would pass?

This is not justice. This is a crumb.

And even that I can't taste. Tears spent, spirit numb.

To some? It's tantalizingly sweet progress.

Me?

It leaves choking.

Throat dry.

Me?

I hunger. Dissatisfied.

Thirsty for substance, not appearance.

Begging, starved for sustenance.

x Kaylé D. Barnes

Black Writers buoyed me during the Pangea.

I’ve kept a gratitude journal with various levels of fidelity throughout my life and really tried to sustain it during what I think most people can agree was a shitty year overall. One of the aspects of this weird pandemic time that I’ll forever be grateful for is how Black writers gave of themselves to yes, promote their work, but also to share their expertise and love.

Being able to hear from beloved authors, many of whom geography might have prohibited me from seeing, share about their craft, perspective, and more has been such a blessing during a time when I’m trying to rededicate to my writing. I’m grateful that we live in a time where so many Black writers are rightfully getting what’s theirs and then turning around and pouring into us.

Grateful for Black abundance during a dearth of good things.

Finding Catharsis through Avengers: Endgame

Over the past 12 months, I’ve rewatched “Avengers: Endgame” about 5011* times, sometimes starting at the beginning and other times, simply returning to the parts that especially resonated with me. 

Why in 2020 - during a whole Pangea - would I watch this movie, knowing full well that it brought me to tears the very first time I watched it in a movie theater? Because it allowed me to process, if only for three hours, the sadness and anger that I felt over being let down by a feckless Federal government and my fellow compatriots. I was and am privileged to have stayed gainfully employed during this pandemic. In the beginning, when the bad news was a barrage and I wasn’t quite used to the mundanity of being at home all the time, I would turn on Endgame. It was essential for me to remember a time when things were slightly better in real life and, also, to fantasize about humanity ultimately being saved by superhuman adults and a teen from Queens.

I was reminded of how much of a downer this movie is, but in a year that saw the deaths of half a million Americans, “Avengers: Endgame” also proved to be oddly comforting because it gave me an opportunity for catharsis while the world felt upside down. This is where I have to disclose I have had a relatively easy quarantine/2020. I haven’t lost any close family members or my employment, just a year of all the big and little moments and time with people I love who make life worth living.

“Catharsis noun /kəˈθɑːr.sɪs/: the process of releasing strong emotions through a particular activity or experience, such as writing or theater, in a way that helps you to understand those emotions”

— Cambridge Dictionary

When I couldn’t comprehend the rapid spread of COVID-19 and the beginning of its devastating effects on communities of color, I could process my sadness by watching the Avengers who were left behind and how they coped in the aftermath of The Snap. In a year where I couldn’t see and commune with my people and long before visual media would start incorporating COVID-19 into show plots, seeing Cap lead a survivor’s group and talk to them explicitly about grief hit differently. Seeing Ant-Man return from the Quantum Realm to San Francisco - the city where I reside in real life -and be confronted with a memorial to those lost in The Snap, put in perspective for me just how many people might die in real life, and forced me to consider how many of my loved ones could be killed by a disease that we knew too little about.

This isn’t the first time that Endgame has unexpectedly touched me in a deeper way than one might expect a comic book movie to. In the Fall of 2019, I experienced a bout of depression that shook me. I revisited Endgame back then, too, and found myself moved, once again, by Thor’s struggles after his many losses and challenges. Seeing a character struggle on-screen with depression and live through it (without causing harm to others, HAWKEYE) was heartening to me during a time when my brain and feelings weren’t able to cope. 

After spending an entire year indoors, maybe I’m overanalyzing this movie in a multibillion-dollar franchise. Maybe these are just the musings of a fangirl trying to create meaning about something as mundane as watching a favorite movie over and over again. But I know it’s much more than that. Stories matter. They make it possible for us to understand our culture and a mirror to reflect and relate to that culture. The Marvel Cinematic Universe has provided me with stories that over the years have helped me take a break from reality and at other times process my feelings about the real world. I’m a grateful fan.

Can “Avengers: Endgame” provide a template on what a national reckoning with our failure to meaningfully contain COVID-19 might look like? Maybe. 

But at the very least, in Endgame, it’s given me a cinematic portrayal of rage, grief, and hope on a global, if not cosmic scale, and that counted for something in a year that cost us far too many lives.

Special thanks to my brother-in-writing, Bradford J. Howard for reading this and giving me feedback before I pitched it. It didn’t get picked up, but I still wanted to share.

*If you know, you know

Let Us Now Praise Carefree Black Girls

It’s the year of our Lord 2021 and people are still figuratively (and literally) trying to police Black girls and women’s bodies.

Why?

I know why, but I want and need Black folk to stop. When reading about the backlash that the talented, beautiful Chloe Bailey encountered while living her best life on the ‘Gram and internets the first thought I had was “Phew if that were me, I, too, would be out here.” After swatting away my negative body image thoughts, my next thought was how important it is for Black women, femmes, and non-conforming folk to live their lives as freely as they can. Knowing how difficult that can be and even how impossible it can feel. Nevertheless, I believe we have to try.

“Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”

— Toni Morrison

Easier said than done, but it’s what we owe ourselves, our ancestors, and the future.

I grew up in a very religious (Christian) family and developed a lot of hangups about a lot of stuff. It wasn’t until I was in college, studied and lived in France, and got out and about in the world that I started to question what I believed, how I wanted to show up in the world, and what I wanted to do about it. These are questions I’m still trying to answer to this day and I feel like I’m constantly asking if aspects of my life resonate with me or if I need to let them go. So when a young lady like Chloe is engaging in her freedom and loving herself out loud in public I LOVE TO SEE IT. A small part of me wishes I had taken advantage of that freedom when I was younger and a larger part hopes that I can figure out how to tap into that freedom and self-love now, in this moment, and from now on.

All of this is why “The Secret Lives of Church Ladies” x Deesha Philyaw resonated with me so deeply. It’s a collection of stories of churched Black women trying to navigate their intimate lives within or related to the environment of the church. These characters, like all of us, contain multitudes and it was affirming to see their

“The Secret Lives of Church Ladies” is in conversation with two other books I read and appreciated “Wayward Lives, Beautiful Experiments: Intimate Histories of Social Upheaval” x Saidya Hartman and “Girl, Gurl, Grrrl: On Womanhood and Belonging in the Age of Black Girl Magic” x Kenya Hunt. Separately, these books provide an opportunity to reflect on how Black women, femmes, and nonconforming folk have snatched and amplified freedom when they could and reflections on contemporary life.

These books are all (apparently needed) reminders that Black women are not responsible for other’s expectations of them. Period.

I hope that Chloe and anyone else, but especially Black women, looking for freedom find themselves on both the pages of these books and out in these streets.

“My President Was Black”

Reading is comprised of so many elements for me: what, who, when, and where I’m reading.

Finishing President Obama’s (hella long) memoir in 2021 after a traumatic 2020 and previous four years, after an insurrection at the United States Capitol, after Trump’s electoral defeat, after winning the Senate, was an experience.

After four years of Federal incompetence and hate, a year where that incompetence caused the deaths of more than 400,000 (as of this writing) Americans, and the examples and agendas of women like AOC, and E Dubs (Elizabeth Warren) I read this memoir angry and further to the left in politics (if not always in praxis) than I read Obama’s first two books.

It’s not him, it’s me.

He promised Hope and Change, and delivered in some ways, but I’ve changed.

So the memoir itself, besides being long, (did I mention it was long?) was extremely well-written. This is not surprising, because if there’s one thing Obama is going to do it’s write and wield his words but the effect of the prose was that I read a 700-page book with ease.

For readers of his previous books, there’s some repetition about his early years, but I appreciate the opportunity to revisit and contextualize recent history that I lived through. We get to learn more about his initial political failures, his Senate run, the Rev. Wright situation, and more-stories that feel like a lifetime ago. At times, some of the episodes (the financial crisis for one and the many steps needed to right a sinking boat of an economy) felt overly laborious, but I was reminded that he inherited a dumpster fire on domestic and international fronts and that it might feel that way, because I lived through that. Criticism of Obama as overly professorial holds up, but it also belies how thoughtful and measured he is which makes for a great book. Obama does a great job illustrating (or reminding people who forgot-I haven’t forgotten…) how the modern Republican party evolved from McCain bringing Palin on board, to the Tea Party, to birtherism, to Trump, to an insurrection…

I kept being drawn back to Ta-Nehisi Coates’ “My President Was Black” from 2017 and his latest essay revisiting Trump as America’s “first white president”. Unfortunately, I think it’s impossible to read the memoir without simultaneously considering what came afterward.

P.S.

Michelle (ah that Inauguration look!) and Obama’s memoirs serve different purposes, but it’s interesting to think about what those purposes are and how they advance our understanding of this historic couple as individuals and as a couple.

P.P.S. If Sasha and Malia ever write memoirs I.am.here.for.it.

Bookish Resolutions

For the past few years, my book club has done vision boards ensemble. This year, we did it on Zoom which was a change. It’s also the first year I decided to make a writing-focused vision and vibes board. Here are 5 resolutions for 2021:

1) Finish my novel manuscript. I started work on a novel in late November 2019, worked on it within my writing gang, but also lost my way/interest. I want to finish it this year. Inshallah.

2) Submit at least 12 pieces for publication in 2021. There was a time in my life when I was shooting my shot more and I want to return to that. I submitted two pieces the last week of December 2020 because I want to keep that same energy for this year.

3) Return my library books in a more timely manner. It’s hard because my (talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show-stopping, spectacular…) library system did away with late fees (which is a great step to address inequity), but I’m actual

4) Continue checking in with my writing gang. Needs no elaboration, but I love these women. Consistently checking in with them last year was such a blessing and often provided the encouragement I needed to make progress on my projects.

5) ??? One thing I’m learning is to leave room for unexpected good things that might happen. Last year, I had the opportunity to participate in a conference for writers of color which I didn’t even know existed at the beginning of 2021. So I’m leaving room for a serendipitous 5th bookish goal.

12 Cookbooks for you to check out

In January, I decided that I wanted to cook 12 recipes from 12 new-to-me cookbooks. I was rocking and rolling and then the world turned upside down. Somewhere in September (honestly, what to months mean anymore?) I remembered this desire and got to work.

Yesterday, I completed my 12th recipe with the Sweet Potato Honey Beer Pie from Nik Sharma’s The Flavor Equation.

Cookbooks in order (you can find the cookbooks and recipes I made on IG under my “Cookbooks” highlight.

1. Nadiya’s British Food Adventures: Over 120 Fresh, Easy and Enticing New Recipes x Nadiya Hussain

2. Jubilee x Toni Tipton-Martin (Instant classic. I LOVE how Tipton-Martin weaves history all throughout and let’s us know how integral Black chefs are to American cuisine. Love it.)

3. Dinner in French x Melissa Clark

4. The Full Plate x Ayesha Curry (Would highly recommend this for cooking chill, delicious food.)

5. Zaitoun x Yasmin Khan ( I LOVE this cookbook. I’ve already made 2 recipes from it and can’t wait to work my way through more of it. Shoutout to my best friend who bought me my own copy after seeing how much I loved the electronic book I checked out from my library.)

6. Parwana: Recipes and stories from an Afghan kitchen x Durkhanai Ayubi

7. Drinking French x David Lebovitz

8. East x Meera Sodha

9. Nopalito: A Mexican Kitchen x Gonzalo Guzmán and Stacy Adimando

10. Tartine All Day x Elisabeth Pruett

11. Mixtape Potluck x ?uestlove and Friends (I’ll definitely be buying this. I love ?uestlove’s interdisciplinary mindset and how he weaves all of his passions together. Also, shoutout to him for being an Aquarius.)

12. The Flavor Equation: The Science of Great Cooking Explained in More Than 100 Essential Recipes x Nik Sharma

10 Books I’d Recommend from my 2020

In my reading and writing nook.

2020 has been a year to say the least. For all that it was, it was also a year for me that was filled with good books and the beloved community (for me that means the bookclub I’m in with phenomenal women and all of the Bookstagram homies) they entail.

Without further ado, my top 10 of 2020, in no particular order.

1. Breasts and Eggs x Mieko Kawakami

2. The City We Became x N.K. Jemisin-I loved this book. I might mess around and re-read it because it was so riveting.

3. Want x Lynn Steger Strong

4. Memorial x Bryan Washington-This book was gifted from the publisher, but I would have bought and loved it had they not sent it. I love the essential Houston-ness of Washington’s work and how the stories could only originate from such a mish-mash of a city. If you love food and/or Houston (one of the country’s best culinary cities), I’d highly recommend reading this book and listening to Bryan on The Sporkful.

5. The Death of Vivek Oji x Akwaeke-This book was beautiful and heartbreaking. Truly stunning.

6. The Secret Lives of Church Ladies x Deesha Philyaw-This collection of short stories did what needed to be done. My favorite short story collection of the year.

7. Finna x Nate Marshall-I reconnected with poetry this year and I’m so blessed that “Finna” came into life at a time when I needed it. Just read it. If you’re Black, I’m sure you’ll find several poems that resonate with you.

8. Wayward Lives, Beautiful Experiments x Sadiya Hardman-I found this book to be so affirming. It’s an exploration of the ways that Black women and nonconforming folks created ways out of no way during (even more) oppressive times. It felt truly celebratory to honor their memories and defiance.

9. The Meaning of Mariah x Mariah Carey with Michaela Angela Davis- I wasn’t a Lamb before, but after experiencing Mariah’s audiobook memoir, I’m Lamb. I don’t make the rules.

10. Zaitoun x Yasmin Khan-This is a cookbook that has become my new favorite cookbook. At the beginning of 2020 I decided I wanted to cook 12 new recipes from 12 new-to-me cookbooks. I’ve made two recipes (Pomegranate Passion Cake and Freekeh and Butternut Squash with Spinach) from Zaitoun already and am already preparing a third. I originally checked it out as an ebook from the library, but one of my best friends gave it to me as a gift when she saw how much I loved it.

How I learned to stop hating and enjoy the Real Housewives (of Potomac)

In the Before Times, I was someone who didn’t watch Reality TV.

While I didn’t (outwardly) judge people who did, I had a lot of pride in being someone who didn’t really do reality tv and especially not the Real Housewives franchise.

But then 2020 happened and all bets were off.

I didn’t have a lot of goals for 2020 post-COVID-19’s emergence in the world, but I did decide I wanted to be (slightly) less judgmental. So I started by pickingr up (checked out ebooks from the library) a romance series from the library and realized that not only could I be a romance reader, but it was possible that I was missing out on other fun stuff by being a snob. Several months later and the Reluctant Royals series is EXTREMELY my ish. 

What else had I been missing out on?

So I mentioned to a few close girlfriends that I wanted to try to get into a Real Housewives franchise. Turns out many of the most brilliant women in my life had been having fun and I had been missing out for no reason than my arbitrary thoughts about what “good” “worthwhile” entertainment was. Wack.

I selected Potomac because it felt like the barrier to entry was lower-5 seasons compared to 5011 like other franchises. I was quickly hooked by these larger than life women cutting up on my tablet screen. Turns out, disliking something isn’t a personality trait. In a year where joy was harder to come by, I’ve relished the shenanigans of these ladies and the ensuing recap conversations with my girlfriends. Additionally, 2020 has taken away a lot of the usual venues for gossip that many of us have had with offices closes, happy hours cancelled, and more, many of us are separated from the quotidian gossip and banter that makes life interesting.

So what I have gained from watching RHOP besides laughter at how outlandish these women are?

A study in plot and character development, hunny!

Because I assume that the conversations and carrying ons are heavily edited, I’m able to look at the show as fictionalized story. From a narrative point of view, despite changing alliances and plot lines, the ladies have their characters down pat without being mere caricatures. 

The conceits of the show over the seasons are great reminders of how a change of setting can advance the plot along. For instance, if the drama is getting low, have someone suggest either a girls trip or a good old-fashioned girls night out and see what happens. If there are too many separate plot points or conversations happening, have one of the characters (it’s almost always Ashley, no?) not directly involved in the drama try to get to the bottom of the tea. 

It’s been fascinating watching storylines from the earlier seasons re-emerge and I can’t wait for tonight’s season finale.

Book Review: “FORESHADOW: Stories to Celebrate the Magic of Reading and Writing YA”

October has been a month where I invested in myself as a writer. 

I applied to the Rooted & Written conference and was accepted (more on that at a later time), but I planted the seed for this dedication in September when I said yes to an opportunity to participate in  Algonquin’s Blog Tour for “FORESHADOW: Stories to Celebrate the Magic of Reading and Writing YA” edited x Nova Ren Suma and Emily X.R. Pan. I’m thankful I had the opportunity to read an advanced copy of this anthology because it came at the perfect time. #Shoutout to Algonquin Young Readers.

FORESHADOW is a collection of 13 short stories from diverse authors who I can’t wait to read more from. Stories like “Risk” brought me back to the awkwardness of high school and the sacredness of girlfriends, while “GLOW” reminded me of the intensity of first love. “Fools” was a treat from the heartless protagonist to the many many layers of nuance in the twisted fairy tale. All of them were engaging, and I especially enjoyed:

• "Glow" by Joanna Truman,

• "Risk" by Rachel Hylton

• "Fools" by Gina Chen

• "Belly" by Desiree S. Evans.

There’s truly something to suit everyone’s taste in this collection. In addition to the unique stories, there’s the added gift of the accompanying essays that focus on a specific writing technique and writing exercises. I found myself stopping after each story to reflect on what worked for me and what didn’t, and considering what I could incorporate into pieces I’m writing and then trying the writing exercises. I can’t wait to engage with the other work these authors create and I’m excited to implement the technique lessons.

This book would make a great gift, or investment rather, in a writer you care about whether that’s yourself or another loved one. It also makes for good reading and who doesn’t need more of that?

Buy it from your preferred independent bookstore, Bookshop, or here.